How to become Paris' BFF

When I heard about Paris Hilton's genius of an idea of looking for a new pal for a reality TV show, I thought what a ludicrous joke it was. But apparently it's true. My favorite Toronto Star columnist Vinay Menon came up with a simple 10-point guide to succeeding as Paris Hilton's BFF that had me laughing my head off. Here's some mid-workday humor for you :)

1. STAYING IN TOUCH

Parties, club openings, photo-ops ... Paris is a busy gal. So electronic communication will be vital. When chatting on the cell, keep sentences short and on-point. When texting or emailing, don't scrimp on exclamation points, cattiness or emoticons. Example: "U won't believe!!! Saw Nicole @ Madeo!!! Still eatin' for 2 ;)"

2. UNDERSTANDING YOUR PLACE

Friendship is co-equal and steeped in mutual respect. Whatever! You are a sidekick. So if Paris decides it's time to dance on tables and you don't feel like dancing on tables, too bad, you're dancing on tables. (See also: "I don't feel like ... making special brownies/getting a Brazilian/partying at Villa/telling whatshisface it's over/holding the video camera while you two do it/posting bail/accessorizing Tinkerbell.")

3. THE LOOK

Wake up. Brush veneers. Straighten dyed hair. Apply multiple coats of makeup. Squeeze into revealing outfit. Affix oversized sunglasses to skull. Light cigarette. Exit house.

4. SOOTHING THE PRINCESS

To comfort Paris, simply ridicule her enemies: "Honey, who cares if you own 17 dogs and the Humane Society is pissed? Those people are fat slobs!" "Sweetie, did you see what Perez wrote about Lindsay this morning? What a skanky bitch!" "That exec said what about your new album? Please, he's a disgusting pig!"

5. YOUR NEW DIET

Cristal. Kobe beef. Hennessy. Oysters. Grey Goose. Sushi. Jell-O shooters. Animal crackers. (Repeat daily.)

6. WHAT'S YOURS IS HERS

So there you are inside a thumping L.A. hotspot when Paris suddenly decides she loves your skirt. Your response? Take it off and give it to her. After this happens two or three times, you'll hardly remember what it was like to party fully dressed. Other items that are no longer really yours: jewellery, old love letters, purses, drug test results, ex-boyfriends, cars, throw pillows and, should she ever need a transplant, internal organs.

7. KEEPING QUIET

Everybody wants to know what Paris is really like. Your answer: "Paris is really cool. She's just Paris." (There will be time for lucrative tell-alls when you're no longer best friends. See No. 10.)

8. LEARNING THE WALK

When out in public, pretend you're in a movie and the director has asked you to ambulate in slow motion with excessive side-to-side head movements that suggest you're watching a tennis match in zero gravity.

9. GETTING ALONG WITH HER (OTHER) FRIENDS

Phoniness is the key. Air kisses are mandatory. When listening to conversations, smile or snicker where appropriate.

Should you be asked a direct question, always answer with: "Let's go to Fred Segal!"

10. PREPARING FOR THE INEVITABLE

Here's the last thing to remember: this new friendship will probably only last until the season finale (or six months, whichever comes first). Enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Then go find an agent.

(Source: thestar.com)

Not your usual fashion guide

I was laughing out loud when I was reading The Guardian's Hadley Freeman's guide on Looking Good. It's definitely not your average run of the mills fashion guide. She covers things from boots, cleavages, sunglasses, to various overly-used cliched fashion phrases like "homage", "inspiration", and "experimentation is key". Whether you agree with her or not, it is a hilarious piece of reading.

Fashion that girls get and boys don't

The prime example of this is patterns. You see a patterned dress and think, golly, isn't that summer dress with an old Liberty print rather fabulously kitsch, with its connotations of England of yore? He thinks, how about that? I never noticed how much she resembles my grandmother's sofa. Ditto with wedges: you're thinking, kinda cool in a 50s pin-up kinda way; he's thinking, hmmm, orthopaedic shoes. Prom skirts - how fun and they make my legs look thin, versus why is she dressed like the mother in Back To The Future? And so the list goes on: tunic dresses, empire lines, cocoon and egg-shaped skirts and dresses, anything with superfluous buckles and bows, handbags the size of TV sets.

...

Trenchcoats

The trenchcoat, like the pencil skirt, little black dress and "a proper handbag", is one of those items fashion magazines always say one simply has to own as part of one's grown-up, basic wardrobe, but actually just makes you feel as if you're trying to pretend you're in some terrible French film. The fact is, like the pencil skirt, the trenchcoat doesn't suit all that many women. It's a coat - but not very warm. It's for outdoor wear - but shows up dirt like billyo. It's a similar colour to a lot of women's skin tone - which will just make you look jaundiced. And yet, on it lingers, haunting the pages of fashion magazines like an old smell of cabbage in a dead relative's flat.

...

Fashion speak

· Homage is a conveniently trussed-up word for 'blatant copy' and can be used without the niggling fear of litigation. It has a soothing sheen of intellectualism, as though one is suggesting the designer in question spent long, noble hours in some dusty library.

· Inspiration, often used to denote the desperate recourse of a designer who has still not come up with any ideas two weeks before the collection is due. Off they hie to their teenage music obsession, a cinematic hero of old currently enjoying a bit of a renaissance or painting in some heavily publicised exhibition - and copy the bejesus out of it.

· Invest gives an aura of gravity to an undeniably frivolous pursuit, implying, say, that getting another Whistles party dress is on a par with prudently buying stocks.

· This season's essential or must have is the baseline of fashion writing. And, really, one's response can only be, bossy, bossy, bossy! Fashion people love a good imperative; it helps trample over any bleating objections to a...#8239;£1,500 handbag with a handle made from the bone of a woolly mammoth and stitching from the hair of an albino virgin.


Continue reading

Well said, Stacey

I was watching reruns of TLC's What Not To Wear (Clinton's adorable. I wish I had a shopping buddy like him!) yesterday and Stacey called these "flotation devices". That was gold.

Uglier than Uggs

As if it's not bad enough that Uggs won't die, we gotta have bad imitations of Uggs too? Don't these look like camel's feet? Oh God, make 'em stop.

BLUE SUEDE SHOE girls round toe suede bootie $18.97

BLUE SUEDE SHOE girls round toe suede bootie $18.97

I'm not mean, just curious.

Fashion Week's starting in 2 days, on January 31st! I'm gong to glue myself to the computer screen for the shows. Not just for the clothes, but for the models too. I wonder if there are going to be some major spills on the runway (hehe ;). I saw this video on YouTube of various models falling, some are pretty legendary, e.g. Jessica Stam's. It's almost like watching figure skaters fall on ice. Sorta painful, sorta.

Knit Overload

We know knitwear's one of the winter's hottest looks, but too much of a good thing is never a good thing, especially when the crotch of your pants is about to touch the ground and you look like you have fat rolly legs.

(Source: telegraph.co.uk/fashion)

A JC Penney catalog from 1977

Somebody forwarded me these pictures. They are from a JC Pennny catalog from 1977!! Hope this brightens up your (drab) work day. Be careful not to bust a gut laughing.




And my favorite, look at the boxy vests and shirts.

Maxim's Fashion Trends for Idiots - suits with shorts

(Junya Watanabe Spring 2008)

You gotta love it when Maxim magazine takes a stab at fashion trends that your regular guys just cannot understand. I'd say listen to them or your friends will make fun of you. This month's Fashion Trends for Idiots is on suits with shorts:

If watching your local UPS guy wear shorts to work isn't enough to make you shudder, let this photo complete the job. Several designers are debuting suits with shorts as one of the big fashion trends to watch in 2008. Another big trend: ridiculing anyone who wear shorts with a suit who doesn't play guitar for AC/DC.

And on that note, cropped tuxedo jacket on skirt is unacceptable too. This one is practically scandalous.
(Jean Paul Gaultier Spring 2008)

Radar's Hype Report

Radar is such a kick-ass magazine. I don't know why it isn't more popular. The writers are opinionated and brutally honest, which is what I love when I read magazines. The Hype Report made me laugh out loud. They are hilarious and so true! Posh and Becks top the list.

1. Posh and Becks
It's not that they're untalented—they arch their backs nicely in porny W fashion shoots. They're excellent at peddling fragrances. And when it comes to lending suspect Scientologists an air of heterosexuality, there's nobody better. But is that any reason for a besotted media to swarm David and Victoria Beckham daily? For ESPN to devote 19 cameras to film his July soccer debut with the L.A. Galaxy (even though he played all of 16 minutes)? For the Washington Post to muse on his chances of being knighted? Let's face it: He's an overpaid soccer star; she's a pointless collection of body parts. Thankfully, not everyone has fallen for their charms: Britney Spears recently snubbed Posh at the Chateau Marmont, a move the Hindustan Times called "another sign that [Spears] is in a precarious state of mind." We call it enlightened.

20. America Ferrera's Looks
An overweight young Latina struggling to reconcile Mami's injunctions to chow down with a white girl's pressure to be skinny—has America Ferrera ever played another role? Let's recap: Real Women Have Curves (big gal copes with minority status and the pressure to be thin), Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (ditto), and Ugly Betty (well, you know). Thank goodness her fairy godmother—the entertainment press—is always there to overcompensate with a kind word: The New York Daily News dubbed her "America the beautiful," W fawned over her "gorgeous" looks, and People en Español named her one of its 50 Most Beautiful. Okay, she's not ugly. But she's no Betty.

28. Facebook (This one I totally agree with)
Harvard dropout Mark Zuckerberg is the new prince of Silicon Valley. Traffic disclosures from his social networking site—30 million users, tripling in popularity every year—have analysts swooning over a rumored IPO (some have valued the company at up to $10 billion). But even as the site positions itself as a one-stop portal for all your Internet needs, it's still unclear whether it will become the next Google—or the next Friendster. Facebook's banner ads have an abysmally low click-through rate, and most of the "applications" under its platform have fizzled. The few that haven't will surely wither if the company starts charging for them. We suggest Zuck unload his billion-dollar baby while he still can.

Check out the whole list here.

Don't wear jeans too saggy

Apparently, one could go to jail if his jeans sagged too low. "Sagging began in prison, where oversized uniforms were issued without belts to prevent suicide and their use as weapons. The style spread through rappers and music videos, from the ghetto to the suburbs and around the world." Funny how a trend that originated from prison can land a person in prison now.

(Source: nytimes.com)

This is gold!

This is what Miss South Carolina Teen, Caitlin Upton, 18, answered to the question "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, um, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future."

Check out the YouTube clip here.

She got a do-over Tuesday morning on NBC's Today show, where she explained she froze during the nationally televised Miss Teen USA Pageant. "Everybody makes a mistake. I'm human," explained the contestant, who went on to finish in fourth place. "Right when the question was asked of me, I was in shock." And this is what she said on Today show: "Personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on a map. I don't know anyone else who doesn't. If the statistics are correct, I believe there should be more emphasis on geography in our education so people will learn how to read maps better."

I haven't laughed so hard in a very long time.

(Source: usatoday.com)

OMG it's fug

Happy Friday! Let's have a laugh at this boot's expense and have a great weekend!!

What an ugly boot!!
Kenzie Women's Movie Boot $189.95 sale $75.99. Sale won't help this boot's fate.

She calls herself Reverend TS

(looking at this picture makes me shudder.)

In today's bizarro news, Tori Spelling has been ordained. On Monday, Spelling revealed some disturbing news that could hasten the end of organized religion as we know it.

“So, very exciting weekend for this new mom,” she wrote on her MySpace page for her TV reality series, Tori and Dean: Inn Love. “I am now officially ordained. Yep, thats (sic) right ... Reverend Tori Spelling! I did it last week online and my official certificate is in the mail. I’m so proud. I can’t wait to hang it.”


Errr...my question is just exactly how easy it is to become a reverend??

(Source: Toronto Star)

Of course that happens to everybody!

I saw this adorable picture of Sarah Michelle Geller in Tart's jersey dress at US Magazine. Love the all black look. I think her pretty loose hair makes all the difference. The caption is hilarious though.

JUST LIKE US!
Their Skirts Get Blown Up!

It sounds so retarded. It amazes me at the inane stuff that I would read sometimes. LoL.

It's a freakin' tire!

If you thought that too, well we were both wrong. It's Dior's Lady Dior Bangle. Doesn't the woven lether look like the treads on a tire? It can be quite cute wearing accessories that are miniture version of everyday objects, like little keys, locks, tea cups, fruits, etc. But I wouldn't want to wear a mini tire on my wrist. It's just too ugly for $330.

Gorgeous even when they fall

John Galliano's first full-blow cruise show in New York was a huge success according to WWD. The shoes he put his models in were absolutely divine. But they were impossible to walk in. One of the models took a tumble down the runway. It's so like Galliano to put on a show with drama huh? I love it!!



"Early on in the presentation, a trembling blonde Milana, wearing the designer’s towering ball-bedecked heels, took a tumble at the end of the runway and almost toppled again onto Candy Pratts Price before a Dior handler came to her rescue). And later during the final lineup, May Anderson was so wobbly in her shoes she clutched two friends' hands just to make it down and back in one piece."

(Source: WWD.com)

Best Quote Ever

Seems like all my married friends are getting pregnant left and right. It is wonderful news to hear from them. I'm very excited about becoming an aunt to their babies. I think the wives should use this quote from Adam Sandler. They are truly wise words.

"I was in the delivery room, I saw what happened. Anything she wants gets done. She's like, 'Change the diaper,' and I'm like, 'Absolutely, sorry about your vagina.'"

HAHAHAHA!!

I just hope when I get pregnant, I'll look tres chic like this.

Belly Basics Maternity Georgette Split Neck Dress
$132

Liz Lange Maternity Eyelet Tunic
$150


(Source: thestar.com)

This is just silly

What's with Louis Vuitton? It just keeps churning out ugly bags and silly accessories. This is Monogram Pochette Belt 30 $380. Is this a coin purse attached to a belt? What's the meaning of it? Is it so that you can have all your change at easy access? If so, then you'd better tuck your shirt in your pants, otherwise the little pouch is not so easy to get to. But seriously, nothing should be clipped to your belt. Nothing! It's just not cool, not to mention uncomfortable. And this is supposed to be UNISEX, would you believe it?! No man with self-respect should wear this thing. Thankfully, the pouch is removable. So if one feels compelled to blow $380 on it, one can at least keep the pouch in a handbag and wear the belt like a normal person.

Sorry I had to...

I'm sorry if this offends or scares anybody. But I had to...I just had to.

"Kirsten Dunst picks herself a real winner with Johnny Borrell. He can breathe through his mouth without drooling and he can fetch."

I didn't say that, I'm just quoting Toronto Star. But you gotta admit it's pretty funny. Kirsten Dunst isn't looking exceptionally great herself here. Seems like they make a good couple together. Why do they both look like they are so hungry they could eat babies?

(source: thestar.com)

5 Things you can't say in Toronto

For my fellow Canadians, here is a funny little piece in Toronto Star today that you might get a few chuckles from, as long as you don't take it seriously. I'm proud of Canada and Toronto. Us Canadians are nice and humble people, and can laught at ourselves sometimes.

May's Esquire magazine features an article called Critical Blasphemy in which author Mike D'Angelo lists five things you can't say in Hollywood.

Example: Documentaries are watchable in inverse proportion to how informative they are. The Queen is a mediocre TV movie and Helen Mirren wasn't even all that great in it. And Spike Lee's best movie of the past 15 years is one he did primarily about white people.

Following the same template, we replaced Hollywood with Toronto to compile our own brief list of unmentionable rebukes about the things you are permitted to think, but must never say outloud.


"The CN Tower is the tallest standing building in the world." It's not true. It is the tallest free-standing structure but not for long. In 2008, the Burj Dubai in Dubai, United Arab Emirates, will be the tallest freestanding structure and building at more than 800 metres. And hello, it could be argued that Yonge St. is not the longest street in the world, either.


"The Toronto Maple Leafs will never again win a Stanley Cup." The team hasn't won one since 1967. And it doesn't seem to matter. They still sell out every game and millions tune in every time they hit the ice. Can you say, "city of suckers"?


"Toronto is not a world-class city." Likewise for Toronto the clean. Toronto the good. Toronto the city of culture. New York is world-class.


"Toronto is no more diverse than any other world metropolis." It is an urban myth that the UN declared Toronto the most diverse city in the world. Where did it say that?


"The real estate bubble is going to burst." Telling a homeowner that the market will fall and fall hard is blasphemy.

(Source: thestar.com)