How to become Paris' BFF

When I heard about Paris Hilton's genius of an idea of looking for a new pal for a reality TV show, I thought what a ludicrous joke it was. But apparently it's true. My favorite Toronto Star columnist Vinay Menon came up with a simple 10-point guide to succeeding as Paris Hilton's BFF that had me laughing my head off. Here's some mid-workday humor for you :)

1. STAYING IN TOUCH

Parties, club openings, photo-ops ... Paris is a busy gal. So electronic communication will be vital. When chatting on the cell, keep sentences short and on-point. When texting or emailing, don't scrimp on exclamation points, cattiness or emoticons. Example: "U won't believe!!! Saw Nicole @ Madeo!!! Still eatin' for 2 ;)"

2. UNDERSTANDING YOUR PLACE

Friendship is co-equal and steeped in mutual respect. Whatever! You are a sidekick. So if Paris decides it's time to dance on tables and you don't feel like dancing on tables, too bad, you're dancing on tables. (See also: "I don't feel like ... making special brownies/getting a Brazilian/partying at Villa/telling whatshisface it's over/holding the video camera while you two do it/posting bail/accessorizing Tinkerbell.")

3. THE LOOK

Wake up. Brush veneers. Straighten dyed hair. Apply multiple coats of makeup. Squeeze into revealing outfit. Affix oversized sunglasses to skull. Light cigarette. Exit house.

4. SOOTHING THE PRINCESS

To comfort Paris, simply ridicule her enemies: "Honey, who cares if you own 17 dogs and the Humane Society is pissed? Those people are fat slobs!" "Sweetie, did you see what Perez wrote about Lindsay this morning? What a skanky bitch!" "That exec said what about your new album? Please, he's a disgusting pig!"

5. YOUR NEW DIET

Cristal. Kobe beef. Hennessy. Oysters. Grey Goose. Sushi. Jell-O shooters. Animal crackers. (Repeat daily.)

6. WHAT'S YOURS IS HERS

So there you are inside a thumping L.A. hotspot when Paris suddenly decides she loves your skirt. Your response? Take it off and give it to her. After this happens two or three times, you'll hardly remember what it was like to party fully dressed. Other items that are no longer really yours: jewellery, old love letters, purses, drug test results, ex-boyfriends, cars, throw pillows and, should she ever need a transplant, internal organs.

7. KEEPING QUIET

Everybody wants to know what Paris is really like. Your answer: "Paris is really cool. She's just Paris." (There will be time for lucrative tell-alls when you're no longer best friends. See No. 10.)

8. LEARNING THE WALK

When out in public, pretend you're in a movie and the director has asked you to ambulate in slow motion with excessive side-to-side head movements that suggest you're watching a tennis match in zero gravity.

9. GETTING ALONG WITH HER (OTHER) FRIENDS

Phoniness is the key. Air kisses are mandatory. When listening to conversations, smile or snicker where appropriate.

Should you be asked a direct question, always answer with: "Let's go to Fred Segal!"

10. PREPARING FOR THE INEVITABLE

Here's the last thing to remember: this new friendship will probably only last until the season finale (or six months, whichever comes first). Enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Then go find an agent.

(Source: thestar.com)